سفارش ترجمه انگلیسی

سفارش ترجمه با بهترین قیمت و بهترین کیفیت 

 

Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (Hilarious)

Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (Hilarious)

The centre for disease control has issued a medical alert about a highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK). If you see anyone infected by WORK do not go near him/her. The virus will wipe out your private life entirely.
 
If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief"(BAR) centre to take one or both the antidotes known as " Work isolating Neutraliser Extract" (WINE) and "Bothersome Employer Eliminitation Rebooter" (BEER), and continue the dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.
 
Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives.

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A Serious Computer Problem

A Serious Computer Problem

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
 
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
 
"What sort of trouble?"
 
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
 
"Went away?"
 
"They disappeared."
 
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
 
"Nothing."
 
"Nothing?"
 
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
 
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
 
"How do I tell?"

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Ultimate Love Letter...

Ultimate Love Letter...
 
Awesome mail...but d best part is signature...
 
(By a Programmer...  )
 
Sweetheart ,
 
I've seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I've been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.
 
My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
 
You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.
 
Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.
 

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The Kind Lawyer

The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his Limousine car when he saw two men along roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you",the lawyer said.

 "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

 They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the  lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir,

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جوک به زبان انگلیسی

A blond walks into a bank...

A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so
the blond hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the
loan.

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The English Sense of Humour

 

What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

------------------------------------------------------------------

There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

----------------------------------------------------------

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Seven Top Idiots of 2008

Seven Top Idiots of 2008

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008

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This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!! 

A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
  
The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'How r u'."

Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?'  Now, you should say 'me too'.    Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is....

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Funny

1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2. Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian.
Think about it.

3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,
but what we are inside
. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the admiration!

4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don't care who rules the world!

That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!

5. Every lady hopes
that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said
, he who never lived, cannot die!

7. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

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مطالب طنز صوتی به زبان انگلیسی

Download: 9999.mp3

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

 

Download: 9987.mp3

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

 

Download: 9974.mp3

The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

NOTES:
Present Tense: I am beautiful.
Past Tense: I was beautiful.
This is funny because the teacher isn't beautiful now, but maybe she was beautiful when she was younger.

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English Jokes مطالب طنز انگلیسی به همراه فایل صوتی

 

English Joke - Coins

Download: 9979.mp3

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

 

 

 

 Good News & Bad News

Download: 9980.mp3

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

 

 

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An English joke

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says....

 

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Traditional Persian Kiddy Games

Traditional Persian Kiddy Games

I have a ball roundy rounded, it's red ,white ,blue. When I hit it
against the ground, you have no idea how far it goes. I didn't have
this ball. I did my homeworks well. My dad gave me an Eid gift. Gave me
a rounded ball.

How's Hassan's Cow? she doesn't have neither milk nor tits. They took her milk to India. Marry a Kurdish Woman.
Name her amghezy...Around her hat reddish. Aachin and Vaachin cross one of your legs!

Uncle chain Knitter: Yes. Have you knit my chain? Yes. Did you throw it
behind the mountain? Yes... Father has just arrived....What did he
bring?...... !]

Humor

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

English4Persians

Funny Quotes and Thoughts

Funny Quotes and Thoughts

" Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark."

"Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights! "

"I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier."

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Test for Idiocyتست هوش انگلیسی!

Test for Idiocy

 
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

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دانلود جوک انگلیسی

Download: 9988.mp3

 

The patient says, "Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."
The doctor says, "Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."
mug = cup

---

The patient says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
The doctor says, "Next, please."

 

Download: 9975.mp3

 

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

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Never Lie to a Woman جوک انگلیسی

Never Lie to a Woman

 

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

 

English4Persians

 

God is watching..

God is watching

 

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching."

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

 

Source: English4Persians

جوک انگلیسی...

Managers and the boss

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.

On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.

They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish.

I want to be in the Bahamason a fast boat and have no worries". Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails". Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch".


MORAL OF THE STORY: Always allow the boss to speak first.

 

Source:ENGLISH-4-ALL

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جوک به زبان انگلیسی

Funny jokes about:

 

WHY AM I MARRIED?

 

 

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

Cocktail party: a party, usually in the early evening, at which alcoholic drinks are served and for which people usually dress formally

 
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
triumph :an important victory or success after a difficult struggle

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
spouse: a husband or wife

 
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive
him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death "
beat: hit

 

 

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Source: English4Persians

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Short jokes

Short jokes:

 

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini

 

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico

 

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó

 

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Cláudia Almeida

 

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana

 

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

 

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

 

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

 

Source: The Internet TESL Journal

A doctor and a lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party

 

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."

The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

Interrupted: to stop someone from continuing what they are saying or doing by suddenly speaking to them

Exasperate: to make someone very annoyed by continuing to do something that upsets them

legal :according to the law

 

bill: request for payment

 

 

caribou

Two biologists studying caribou in Alaska's back country got a pilot to fly them into the far north to collect some specimens. They were quite successful in their venture and had six big carcasses to take back to their lab. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected and told them,"Those caribou carcasses are too heavy, the plane can only take four of them ; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them to put all six animals aboard. This plane was the exact same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not carry the load and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one biologist said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other biologist. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

 

Caribou :a North American Reindeer (Deer: a large wild animal that can run very fast, eats grass, and has horns)

Back country :(American English) an area, especially in the mountains, away from roads and towns

Specimen :a single example of something, often an animal or plant

Carcass : the body of a dead animal

Aboard: get on ship, Plane, bus…

Wilderness; a large area of land that has never been developed or farmed

Wreckage : the parts of something such as a plane, ship, or building that are left after it has been destroyed in an accident

Crash : to have an accident

 

With special thanks to Mr. Hejazy

three fools

Three Fools

 

There was a big hole in street. It was the cause of many accident and many injuries. One day, three fools were talking about solving this problem. The first one said, “it’s better to rest an ambulance near the hole, so when somebody is injured, he could be carried to a hospital by that ambulance.”  The second one said, “I suggest to build a hospital near it to help injured people.” The third fool said, “These are costly suggestions. It’s better to fill this hole and dig another in front of a big hospital. 

 

 

Rest: to stop, usually in a particular place

Costly: expensive

Dig: (digging, dug, dug) to form a hole by moving earth

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

 

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó

 

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan

 

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

 

 

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson

 

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

 

 

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

 

 

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

 

 

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin

 

The Internet TESL Journal

 

 

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom

 

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope

 

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard

 

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

 

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